Popup Soku Zan
by Imalefty
Summary: Really really stupid idea. You don't have to review really, but I'd like to know what pople think about it. CHAPTER 6: Wow, Saito's gone completely insane!
1. Popup Soku Zan

Pop-up Soku Zan  
  
A/N: There is a reason I did this. I hate pop-ups, what else?! Soooooo... yeah. Okay, I don't own Rurouni Kenshin, but I do own the annoying computer and pop-ups, because I made them up. I didn't read them from the Internet, I just got ideas for them from the Internet. And it is alternate universe... Because I don't think Saito went on the Internet in the 1800's. ^_^ Oh, and this is supposed to be poorly written, so don't think I really write like this. Oh, I don't own Google or Fanfiction.net either. (But... I think you knew that.)  
  
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Saito walked into his room, tired from a long day at school. He sat down at his computer and turned it on, hoping to do some pointless Google searches or something. Maybe even go on Fanfiction.net and tell some author how terrible their writing was in a really mean review. That reflected his mood. He took out some homework while the computer was loading and pulled a pencil out of his shirt pocket.  
  
"Lessee... write about a typical day of yours using lots of figurative language, i.e. similes, metaphors, personification etc.," Saito read aloud from his assignment sheet. He glanced at the top. It was Language Arts homework. It was probably one of his least favorite subjects, other than History. In History, they were learning about how GOOD the ISHIN SHISHI were. Saito scowled.  
  
"Good my butt!" Saito muttered. But his arch nemesis, Himura, was delighted to learn about the GOOD DOINGS of the ISHIN SHISHI. He put his pencil to the paper.  
  
'I wake up every morning and go to school where I have to deal with annoying teachers and snot-nosed teens like Himura who don't give a-' Saito started writing, but stopped when he saw his computer was fully loaded. He grabbed the mouse and double clicked on a little blue icon. An Internet window came up immediately. He highlighted the address bar and typed in www.google.com. Before Saito could hit 'enter,' a pop-up appeared sporting a donkey's butt. It read: PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY AND WIN $50!!! Saito scowled and closed it. He then hit 'enter' and watched the computer load to the Google homepage.  
  
Saito stuffed his Language Arts homework back into his backpack and found his History homework. The questions annoyed him more than ever.  
  
"In no less than 200 words answer and describe these questions: In what ways did the Shinsengumi cause misfortune to Japan? How did the Ishin Shishi help Japan for the better? Discuss why the Shinsengumi's code of Aku. Soku. Zan was clearly against all morals," Saito read aloud. He frowned. The Shinsengumi didn't do anything bad to the country of Japan. And Aku. Soku. Zan was NOT against ALL morals! He glanced up at the computer screen and sighed. Yet another pop-up was on the screen. It read: YOU JUST WON $100 FOR FREE! CLICK TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE!  
  
"Stupid pop-up," Saito muttered. Just then, the doorbell rang. Saito stood from his chair and went to open the door. It just happened to be Okita, Saito's only friend from school. Okita grinned.  
  
"Hello, Saito-san!" Okita smiled happily. Saito scowled.  
  
"Are you just going to grin, or are you going to come in?" he snapped. Okita opened his eyes and gave another smile. Saito grabbed the smaller boy by his collar and yanked him through the doorway, slamming the door behind him. Saito walked back to his room, Okita on his heels.  
  
"So, what's up? I heard you attacked the History teacher again!" Okita grinned. Saito gave him a glare.  
  
"Yes, I did," Saito said. "So what?" Okita just smiled and sat on the bed. Saito sighed. He turned back to his computer which was showing two pop-ups. One read: YOU ARE THE 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000TH VISITOR OF THIS SITE! CLICK HERE TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE! Saito promptly closed it, then looked at the other one.  
  
"Hey, what that?" Okita asked, seeing Saito's face twist into an odd expression. He jumped off the bed and walked over to the computer where he started laughing uncontrollably. The pop up on screen read: YOU ARE THE 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,001ST VISITOR OF THIS SITE! CLICK HERE TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE! Saito sweatdropped and closed that one as well.  
  
"That was stupid. They really think I can be two different numbers at the same time?" Saito snapped at the computer. He turned back to his History homework, which he crumpled up and tossed into his backpack. He pulled out his Math work. Okita clicked on Google Image Search and started typing. Saito didn't notice until Okita started laughing again. He turned to his friend and shook him.  
  
"Ha... ha... ha ha ha ha ha! Bana... ha ha... in... ha ha ha... pa... ha ha ha...!" Okita spluttered. Saito glanced at the screen and sweatdropped.  
  
"Bananas in Pajamas?" Saito asked, staring at the pictures of the smiling bananas dressed in blue and white striped pajamas. Okita grinned and snorted, trying not to laugh anymore. Saito sweatdropped again as another pop-up appeared. It read: YOU ARE THE 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000TH VISITOR OF THIS SITE! CLICK HERE TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE! Okita started laughing uncontrollably again.  
  
"You've been the... whatever that number is... visitor twice! Isn't that lucky?" Okita asked, grinning. Saito scowled and closed the pop-up, sighing. Okita coughed a little, then sat back on the bed.  
  
"I'll go on fanfiction.net," Saito said, typing it into the address bar. The home page came up in a matter of seconds as well as three pop-ups. Okita walked over and read them.  
  
YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO WIN A DVD PLAYER! CLICK HERE TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE! One of them read. Saito sighed and closed it. The one behind it read:  
  
WHO IS YOUR SOUL MATE?! CLICK TO FIND OUT! Okita laughed a little at that one as well. Saito closed that one as well muttering something about 'stupid pop-ups.' The last one made Okita laugh so hard that he cried. He fell over, laughing hard. Not even Saito could hold back a snicker. The last pop-up read:  
  
YOU ARE 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,001ST VISITOR TO THIS SITE! CLICK HERE TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE!! Saito closed it and glanced down at his hysterical friend.  
  
"Ha ha... oh... you're the... ah ha ha ha ha ha! You've been the... ha ha ha!" Okita laughed. "You're... ha ha ha ha ha!!" Okita started giggling uncontrollably again. Then, he started coughing, bringing him out of his laughing fit. Saito clicked on a link called 'anime' and then on another called 'Rurouni Kenshin.' He clicked on the first fic, then scrolled to the bottom without reading the story. He clicked on a button and a review box popped up.  
  
"Let's see... what should we say about this story...?" Saito wondered aloud. Okita shrugged.  
  
"Maybe... 'you're a really good writer! Keep up the good work!' or something like that," Okita said. Saito shook his head.  
  
"No," he said. "I'll write..." He began typing. Okita read the words aloud.  
  
"Your... story... sucks... so... much... that... I... don't... think... you... have... a... brain..." Okita read. He paused to think about the words. Then he said: "Hey! That wasn't nice!" Saito submitted the anonymous review and smirked.  
  
"Duh," he said. Okita pushed Saito off of the chair and sat down. He was about to submit another review, but then stopped. A pop-up had come up. It read:  
  
SHOOT THIS PIZZA AND WIN A LIFELONG SUPPLY OF IT!! Okita grinned and shot the pizza. Saito sweatdropped.  
  
"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR!?" Saito yelled angrily. Okita shrugged.  
  
"I wanted to," he replied simply. The pop-up changed into a flashing box.  
  
CONGRATUALIONS!! YOU JUST WON A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF PIZZA! CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT HOW TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE! Okita shifted the mouse over to the box and clicked. Saito gave him a look of horror.  
  
TYPE IN YOUR ADDRESS, PHONE NUMBER, AND FAVORITE KIND OF PIZZA, AND WE'LL DELIVER YOUR PIZZA FORYOUR NEXT MEAL! The pop-up read. Okita was quick to do so and hit 'enter.' Saito groaned. The pop-up read:  
  
THANK YOU, AND ENJOY YOUR PIZZA! Okita grinned and closed it. Then he typed a kind anonymous review stating how good the story was and how the author should continue writing.  
  
"You'd better get home," Saito said.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"You might get a pizza delivered to you."  
  
"Oh, no, that won't happen."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I put YOUR address and phone number in there."  
  
((O_O)) Saito shot Okita a glare and smacked him.  
  
"What? I'm getting a lifetime supply of PIZZA?!" Saito exclaimed. Okita nodded gleefully. Saito sweatdropped, then shouted:  
  
"POP-UP. SOKU. ZAN!!!!!" Okita stared at him, then laughed. Just then, there was a knock at the door. Saito absentmindedly walked over and opened it.  
  
"This is the first of your lifetime supply of pizza! Please enjoy it!" a delivery man smiled, shoving a pizza box into Saito's arms. He tipped his hat and went to his car. Saito's mouth dropped open.  
  
"Pizza..." he grumbled, slamming the door. Saito shot a murderous glance at Okita, who scurried out of the house and down the street. Saito sighed and took out a fresh piece of pizza. He took a bite and pulled out his homework.  
  
"Aku. Soku. Zan is not correct. Instead, it is 'Pop-up. Soku. Zan." Saito wrote on is history homework. He sighed again. It would be a long and pizza- filled night. He read the questions over and began his homework, killing as many pop-ups as he could along the way.  
  
END  
  
A/N: Okay, this WAS a random fic, and it WAS supposed to be a one-shot, but if it is popular, I can continue it. Tell me, please! I'd like to know if you think it was funny. Thanks for reading! 


	2. Delivery Man Soku Zan

Delivery Man Soku Zan  
  
A/N: Yay! Eleven reviews! That's why I'm continuing this really stupid, random, humorous fic! No, RK doesn't belong to me, but the whole pizza company in the story does!! And I don't own ff.net or anything else that I put into this fic except the idea. On with the story! ^___^  
  
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Saito returned from yet another boring day at school. He knew that it would be a bad day when he was woken up at 7:00 am by yet another pizza delivery man (the same one had come by fifteen times already that same week giving him FIFTEEN cheese pizzas (at different times, of course.)!). And his instincts were correct: it was another terrible day. First, the history teacher had to lecture about how TERRIBLE the Shinsengumi was, then the English teacher had to criticize him about how TERRIBLE his paper was, and finally the principal had to inform him about how TERRIBLE he was in general. He dumped his backpack on the floor and was about to sit at his desk when the doorbell rang.  
  
"Hope it's not another pizza delivery man," Saito muttered, standing and walking to the door. He opened it and found Okita hiding behind a bush.  
  
"H-h-hello... S-S-Saito-san," Okita whimpered. Saito glared at him for a minute, which made the boy tremble in fear. Okita had been deathly afraid of Saito ever since the fourth pizza delivery man arrived at his doorstep, which was about three days ago. They hadn't spoken since.  
  
"Hello, Okita," Saito replied dryly. Okita backed into the bush some more.  
  
"Hello," Okita stammered again. "I see you got detention again. You're late coming home."  
  
"Yes," Saito said through his teeth. "I am. It is 6:00."  
  
"You're not going to kill me, right?" Okita asked, trembling. Saito sighed, dropping his fierce face.  
  
"No, I'm not," Saito said. "Let's go inside." He headed back for the house.  
  
"Okay," Okita said, standing and feeling better. They walked inside and headed into Saito's room. Just then, the doorbell rang. Saito growled angrily and stomped back to the door, pulling it open. The SAME pizza delivery man who had come fifteen times before stood at his door, holding the SAME size cheese pizza, sporting the SAME yellow and green hat, wearing the SAME green polo shirt with the SAME logo on the shirt pocket, wearing the SAME striped green and yellow pants, and the SAME dorky smile plastered on his face. (That WAS supposed to be a run-on sentence, btw.)  
  
"Here's your pizza," the man said, making his smile completely take over his face.  
  
"Why THANK YOU," Saito snarled, taking the pizza and slamming the door in the man's face. Saito dropped the pizza in the kitchen and stormed back into the room where Okita had pulled out his homework and was dutifully reading a passage from a large textbook.  
  
"Who was that?" Okita asked with a grin. Saito scowled.  
  
"The pizza delivery man," Saito said. Okita's smile fell.  
  
"You're not going to kill me, right?" Okita asked shakily.  
  
"No, I'm not," Saito sighed, sitting down and pulling out the same fat textbook. Okita finished reading and slapped it shut. He pulled out a piece of paper.  
  
"Do you know why the Shinsengumi are..." Okita stopped suddenly. "Never mind." Saito looked up.  
  
"What? Why they are what?" Saito asked.  
  
"Losers..." Okita squeaked. Saito's face twisted into an odd expression, making him look like a very wrinkly dog. Okita held back a laugh and snorted. Saito sweatdropped.  
  
"I'm not doing my homework tonight," Saito decided. "I'm going to bed. Leave when you want, just don't wake me up."  
  
"What? Oh, okay," Okita said. Saito went into the bathroom to get ready for bed. Okita sat at the desk and quickly began finishing his work.  
  
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Saito woke up to the sound of a doorbell. He walked to the door and pulled it open, rubbing his eyes groggily.  
  
"Oh, great," Saito muttered. "It's YOU." The SAME pizza delivery man who had come before stood at his door, holding the SAME size cheese pizza, sporting the SAME yellow and green hat, wearing the SAME green polo shirt with the SAME logo on the shirt pocket, wearing the SAME striped green and yellow pants, and the SAME dorky smile plastered on his face. Saito sweatdropped sleepily.  
  
"ggggggGGGGOOOOooooDDD morning, sir!" the delivery man said, changing tone every second. "How about some GRRRRRREAT pizza for a GRRRRRREAT breakfast? You don't have to pay, it is a life time supply after all... huh huh huh..." He chuckled heartily, then thrust the pizza at Saito. He took it, then walked back inside. He checked the clock. It was 7:30.  
  
"Stupid..." Saito grumbled, yawning and changing into a big T-shirt and jeans. He quickly combed out his hair, which didn't really help, and grabbed his backpack, heading for the door. He tossed his backpack over his shoulder and opened the door. Then, he stopped, turned and walked back into the kitchen, taking a piece of pizza along with him for breakfast.  
  
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Saito walked slowly to his first class: HISTORY. His LEAST favorite subject. He finished the slice of pizza in his hand and walked into the classroom. Just then, the bell rang.  
  
"Saito-san!!" the history teacher yelled angrily. "You are TARDY!!" Saito glared.  
  
"The bell just rang, Ekiguchi-san," Saito protested, but the teacher just jabbed a finger at him.  
  
"Tardy SLIP, Saito-san!" he commanded. Saito walked to the back of the room where his desk was and dropped his bag in his seat. Just then, a paper ball hit him in the head. Saito picked it up and opened it. It read: Ha ha. Then, he looked up and saw his WORST enemy in school: Kenshin Himura. The redheaded boy gave an evil smile, then turned back to look at the board. Saito crumpled the paper and dropped it in the garbage on the way out.  
  
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Soon, it was lunch time. Saito walked into the cafeteria and took a tray from the counter. He waited on line until it was his turn.  
  
"What would you like?" the cafeteria lady asked. She was very fat and had a thick mustache above her lip.  
  
"I'd like—"Saito started, but suddenly the cafeteria lady was thrown off her feet and a man popped up in her place. Saito's mouth nearly dropped to the floor. It was the SAME pizza delivery man, holding the SAME size cheese pizza, sporting the SAME yellow and green hat, wearing the SAME green polo shirt with the SAME logo on the shirt pocket, wearing the SAME striped green and yellow pants, and the SAME dorky smile plastered on his face. Saito sweatdropped.  
  
"I'm sure you'd like another FANTASTIC pizza!!" the delivery man grinned. Saito was too shocked to protest and took the pizza wordlessly. The man grinned some more, showing all of his front teeth, then ducked behind the counter again.  
  
"Hey," Okita's cheerful voice came to Saito's ears. Saito jumped and whirled around, staring into the boy's face.  
  
"You," he said. "You want a pizza? I'll even trace you for the Brussel sprout casserole you've got there." Okita's eyes nearly popped out of his head.  
  
"You WANT Brussel sprout casserole?" Okita gasped. "But... its... your least favorite food!!" Saito nodded.  
  
"I know, but I now have a new least favorite food," Saito said, taking the tray of thick green dough from Okita's hands and shoving the pizza box into his chest. "Pizza." Okita's jaw fell and he just stared as Saito headed to a table. Finally finding himself, he hurried off through the busy lunchroom after Saito. He sat down next to him, taking out a slice of cheese pizza. Okita took a bite, then pulled the pizza far from his face for the gooey cheese to break. He grinned.  
  
"Yummy. I don't see why you don't want pizza..." Okita said. Saito took his first bite of thick, slimy casserole. He swallowed.  
  
"I've eaten pizza for every meal for the past week!" Saito said, glaring through his bangs at Okita's face. Okita gulped.  
  
"Oh," he said. "Okay." Saito turned back to his casserole and attacked it hungrily with his fork. Okita stared for a while, then also turned back to his meal.  
  
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Saito returned home that night at around 5:00. He sat on the couch in the living room and turned on the TV, having finished his homework during his hour long study hall. Just as he had gotten comfortable, the doorbell rang. Saito walked over to the door, thinking it was Okita AGAIN. Instead, he was met with the SAME pizza delivery man who had come sixteen (or seventeen was it? He'd lost count.) times before stood at his door, holding the SAME size cheese pizza, sporting the SAME yellow and green hat, wearing the SAME green polo shirt with the SAME logo on the shirt pocket, wearing the SAME striped green and yellow pants, and the SAME dorky smile plastered on his face.  
  
"Heeeeelllllooooo sir!!" the delivery man said cheerily. "Would you like—"  
  
"NO!" Saito yelled angrily. "STOP STALKING ME!! YOU'VE FOLLOWED ME TO SCHOOL FOR GOODNESS SAKE! DIEEEEEEE!!" The delivery man smiled wider.  
  
"You won our pop-up game, though, sir," he said. Saito scowled.  
  
"No, I didn't," Saito said. "My friend did." The delivery man gave a confused look.  
  
"Oh," he said. "Sorry. Where does your friend live?" Saito gave him the address.  
  
"There, now will you please get out of here?" Saito asked with an annoyed tone.  
  
"Oh, can I get your e-mail?" the delivery man asked kindly. Saito sighed and jotted it down on a piece of paper. The man grinned and tipped his hat.  
  
"Goodbye," Saito snapped. Then, he muttered, "Delivery man. Soku. Zan." The man tipped his yellow and green hat happily and trotted back to his car. Then, he drove away. Saito let out a sigh of relief, then closed the door and headed back to the TV where he would spend the rest of his night relaxing in a pizza-less bliss.  
  
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A/N: I'm sure you're really tired about the delivery man. ^___^;; Thanks to all of you who reviewed and I will be making another chapter, I think. Thanks for reading!!  
  
REVIEW RESPONSES:  
  
psychotic-catster: Thank you!! ^__^  
  
Blaze Coyotlhart: Yeah, I do too. That's why I wrote it. I can't relate with this, but it's telling what's to come.  
  
WriterNotViking: Thank you! This is the follow-up and there will be another!  
  
MissBehavin: Hello again! Don't think you can have like minds about this chapter but... maybe the next when I post it. You've been so nice to me! Thank you so much!! ^____^  
  
Lady Netiri: Yup. Random. Did Delar like it? (Who is Delar by the way?)  
  
Oro-chan no tenshi: 'Lo again! I'm continuing! Thank you!!  
  
anivxn80: You did? Funny!!  
  
Misaoshiru: Stupidest! Yes, it was the stupidest that I've ever written! But I guess people seemed to like it!! Thank you! ^__^  
  
Pechan: Thanks! Yeah, it's supposed to be alternate universe, so that's where he got all the stuff... I'm glad you like my writing! I like yours!!  
  
Saitofan108: Good idea. I'll think about the whole... pizza thing... but for now, he'll be just normal. I knew someone would write what Saito wrote! Thanks for R&R-ing!!  
  
Axa: Thanks! 


	3. Revenge of the Pizza Man

Revenge of the Pizza Man  
  
A/N: RK doesn't belong to me. ^____^ Not much else to say! On with the story!! Oh, and thanks to saitofan108 for giving me part of this idea!!  
  
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Okita was happily sitting in front of the TV watching some random show called: Bananas Don't Eat Pancakes. Just then, the doorbell rang.  
  
"Who is it?" Okita yelled through the door.  
  
"Pizza!!" a voice called back. Okita opened the door, wondering who would name their child 'Pizza.' He didn't know anyone named 'Pizza.' Okita pulled the door open and there stood the SAME pizza delivery man who had 'stalked' Saito stood at his door, holding the SAME size cheese pizza, sporting the SAME yellow and green hat, wearing the SAME green polo shirt with the SAME logo on the shirt pocket, wearing the SAME striped green and yellow pants, and the SAME dorky smile plastered on his face. Okita gasped.  
  
"What are YOU doing here?" Okita asked, putting his hands on his hips. "You're supposed to be stalking Saito-san! This story is a 'let's torture Saito-san for fun' fic!!" The pizza man looked strangely at Okita.  
  
"It is? I was just wondering if you'd like some pizza. You WERE the one that shot the pizza in our pop-up, right?" the delivery man asked, doing a funky jig. Okita gave the man a look, then said:  
  
"Nope. I never shot a pizza in my life." The man looked sadly at Okita.  
  
"Then WHO did?" the man asked. Okita thought a moment.  
  
"Who else? Saito-san did! I don't want pizza, but it's Saito-san's favorite food! Go give it to him!" and with that, Okita slammed the door. The delivery man stood in front of the door for a little while, then turned and went back to his car. He drove happily down the road to Saito's house and knocked on the door. After a moment or two, Saito opened the door.  
  
"ARGH!! NOW WHAT?!" Saito yelled at the delivery man. The delivery man gave a really 'jolly' smile and did a little jig. Saito sighed.  
  
"The other boy said that pizza is your FAVORITE food!!" the delivery man grinned. Saito gave a low growl.  
  
"No, it's not," Saito said, grabbing the pizza box from the man. "Soba is." And with that, he took the pizza and threw it at the man. The man ducked, and the pizza went flying into the street. Then, Saito slammed the door. The delivery man stared at the door, then turned back to the fallen pizza.  
  
"Poor Pizza-sama," the delivery man sobbed making sad puppy eyes. "Don't worry! We'll get that bad man for splatting you!" He scooped up the pizza and put it in the car, strapping it in with a seatbelt. Then, he drove off.  
  
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Saito walked to the cafeteria with Okita.  
  
"What's for lunch today?" Saito asked, tossing his books into his locker, then following Okita through the hallway. Okita stopped at his locker as well.  
  
"I think it's your favorite. Oh, did you tell the pizza guy to come to my house?" Okita started walking again. Saito glared.  
  
"Yes," he said. "I did." Okita looked away.  
  
"Oh," was all he said. They arrived at the cafeteria to it in chaos.  
  
"BUT I'M SOOOOOO HUNGRY!!!!" a rooser-headed boy yelled.  
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO FOOD?!" another dark-haired girl asked. She was standing with Himura.  
  
"What's going on?" Okita asked a passing girl. It just happened to be Megumi.  
  
"There's no soba! It just disappeared! The chefs said they made it, but now it's all gone!" Megumi cried. "What will we do without food!?" She ran off toward Himura. Okita looked over at Saito.  
  
"Well, this stinks," he said. "I was hungry too." Saito sighed and started to leave.  
  
"There's nothing we can do now," Saito said. Just then, there was a loud crash. Everyone turned to see a man standing on a table in the middle of the room. It was the SAME pizza delivery man, sporting the SAME yellow and green hat, wearing the SAME green polo shirt with the SAME logo on the shirt pocket, wearing the SAME striped green and yellow pants, and the SAME dorky smile plastered on his face. The pizza, though, was now very big and was standing on a flat portion of crust.  
  
"HA HA HA HA!!" the delivery man cackled happily. "Now there is no soba in the entire world!! You can all eat PIZZA!!! This is the PIZZA MAN'S REVENGE!!! AH HA HA HA HA!!!!" Saito stared at the crazed pizza man. Okita looked over at his friend.  
  
"Saito-san? What's going on?" Okita asked. Saito groaned.  
  
"The pizza man is getting revenge!!" Saito said. Okita sweatdropped.  
  
"Well DUH!" Okita said sarcastically. "But for WHAT?" Saito looked at Okita.  
  
"There's only one way to stop this," he said. Okita looked at him.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I have to eat the pizza," Saito replied. Okita gasped in horror.  
  
"NO! Isn't there another way? You can't! It'll be the end of you!" he quickly pulled on a long wig. "O woe is... uh... you!!!!!!!" Saito ripped the wig off of Okita's head.  
  
"Stop that. It'll give Himura ideas about you... and me," Saito said, tossing the wig on the floor. Okita grinned.  
  
"But what do we do? We can't eat pizza forever!" Okita said. He looked up. All of the kids were going to eat the pizza. Saito nodded.  
  
"I hate to admit it, but you're right. I don't know what we can do," he said. Okita looked up at the kids gobbling pizza.  
  
"You know, they look really gross eating that," Okita said. "Look! Himura just stuffed an entire slice into his mouth!! Ewww!!" Saito looked closely at the mass of pizza-eating students.  
  
"Yeah... that is pretty gross," Saito agreed. Just then, the delivery man raised his hands.  
  
"Now, my pizza-devouring zombies!! Go out into the world and make people EAT PIZZA!!!" the delivery man yelled. The kids all stood and started marching out the door chanting:  
  
"Pizza, pizza, it's really really great! We'll make you eat it at an alarming rate! Eating pizza is the best! Come on by and put your stomach to the test!!"  
  
"Saito-san, this is a problem," said Okita. "The whole world will be taken over by zombies!" The delivery man hopped down from the table and pulled out a large jar of yellow powder.  
  
"Insta-Zombie! Just put it in the food!" the pizza man laughed. "Pizza will take over the world!!!" Saito stared at the man.  
  
"Hey! You put that in your pizza?" Saito asked. The man shook his head.  
  
"Nope, only in the last one," he said. "Wait! You're not controlled!! AHHHH!" Saito sighed.  
  
"Turn them back," he commanded. The pizza man stared .  
  
"No," he said, smiling. "Not unless you apologize to Pizza-sama!!" Saito gulped.  
  
"No!" Okita gasped. "You can't!!! Actually, you can, but..." Saito turned back to the pizza man.  
  
"Where's Pizza-sama?" Saito asked. The delivery man took him and Okita to the back of the kitchen where a large pizza box sat.  
  
"Right here," the man said. "Now apologize!"  
  
"You'll turn everyone back and you'll leave me alone?" Saito asked. The man thought for a moment, then nodded. Saito looked at the pizza.  
  
"Go on," the man nudged Saito. Saito sighed.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said to the pizza, feeling like a complete idiot. The delivery man growled.  
  
"Say it to PIZZA-SAMA!!" the man yelled insanely. Okita backed away in fear. Saito gulped.  
  
"I-I'm sorry... uh... Pizza...-sama," Saito said. Then, the pizza man smiled and picked up the pizza, cradling it in his arm.  
  
"Good," he said. "Thank you. Everyone should return to normal." Then, he left. Saito watched him cautiously, then walked out as well, shaking his head.  
  
"At least I don't have to deal with pizza anymore..." he said. "Or delivery men." How wrong he was...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A/N: Okay, I was feeling random the when I wrote this, so it came out weird. Next one should be more down to Earth. I will update ASAP, but...  
  
And if anyone's still reading this... thanks.  
  
REVIEW RESPONSES:  
  
psychotic-catster: Thanks!! Heh... the one way to bring down the wolf of Mibu... PIZZA!! (And pop-ups, and annoying delivery men...)  
  
WriterNotViking: Don't think this was better, but... hey, that's what midterms do to you!!  
  
Oro-chan no tenshi: Thanks. I don't know if Okita went berserk... I don't think he did...  
  
YukiAngel28: Thanks! I'm glad you thought it was funny!  
  
MissBehavin: So... this chapter was weird. Okay... But thanks for reading anyway!!  
  
Saitofan108: I liked your idea and halfway used it! It came out a little weird, but... Yeah, I get it... you'd repeat... cause you're a Saitofan!! And it would be funny if he threw it in his face, but I didn't think that the pizza man would do that. Thanks for reading!!  
  
Misaoshiru: Stupid! Yes! This one was even stupider!! I'm writing more!! 


	4. Junk Mail Soku Zan

Junk Mail Soku Zan 

A/N: Once again, I say that RK doesn't belong to me.

Saito walked into his house and into his room, turning on his computer to check his e-mail. As he watched the computer load, he thought about the past week. There was no pizza man, no crazy pizza zombies, no evil "shoot the pizza" popups… he had spent an entire pizza free week and he had enjoyed every minute of it. Even when Himura had blown a spitball into his ear, he enjoyed it. Saito picked up the phone and dialed Okita's number. Okita answered on the first ring.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Okita," Saito said, watching the screen of his computer.

"Hi, Saito-san! What's up?"

"What's our history homework?"

"Guess," came Okita's answer.

"Something that is against the Shinsengumi?"

"Yup. Oh, can I come over? My little brother won't leave me alone…"

"Sure," Saito said, and then hung up. He double-clicked on the Internet icon, and then waited again. He hated slow computers… A few minutes later, the doorbell rang. Saito stood and opened it, letting Okita in. Okita walked in, heading directly to Saito's room. He plopped himself on the bed and watched Saito, who was at the computer.

"What are you doing?" Okita asked.

"Checking my e-mail," Saito said. He typed in his password and let his computer load yet again. Okita walked over.

"You wanna work on homework?" Okita asked. Saito shrugged.

"Sure," he said. "I'll go get my books." He stood from the desk and walked out of the room. Okita sat at the desk and watched the computer load. He read the screen aloud.

"You have 57 new messages…" Okita read. He looked around as if to make sure Saito wasn't there, and then clicked on the inbox button. There were 57 unread messages, all from the same person with the name of: Okita started laughing, then quickly stopped and clicked on the first message. It read:

"Come down to PooPaloo Pizzaria and see what real pizza tastes like!" Okita laughed again, then clicked on the next message. It read:

"Enter our sweepstakes! Win a large pizza with nacho cheese for free! (Only $3.00)" Okita started laughing, but quickly stopped as he heard footsteps down the hall.

"What are you doing, Okita?" Saito asked, glancing at Okita sitting innocently in his chair. Okita put on his most innocent face and said: "Ah… _nothing_."

Saito dropped his books on the bed and shoved Okita off of his seat, glancing at the screen. He sweatdropped.

"Fifty-seven… new…" Saito breathed.

"Yup. Fifty-seven. All from… the…" Okita trailed off.

"Who?" Saito asked, glaring at Okita.

"Ah… bathroom!" Okita gasped and ran out the door. Saito sighed and began reading his mail.

Three miles away, Kenshin heard a loud scream.

"PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" He shrugged.

"Must be some wolf who's forgotten how to call to the moon."

Saito glared at the screen as more mail spewed into his inbox. He couldn't delete the spam faster than it was coming in. He groaned and decided to give up on deleting the unwanted messages. Suddenly, an alert went up.

"You have exceeded your storage space. Would you like to buy more?" Saito was about to close the pesky box when he heard Okita give a wail.

"What is it!" Saito called out to the living room.

"M… Mail!" Okita yelled. Saito hurried out into the living room where Okita was desperately trying to stop the flow of envelopes from coming into the house through the mail slot. Saito picked one up. It was decorated with lots of pictures of… pizza. Saito gave a growl.

Three miles away, Kenshin heard a loud scream.

"AAAAARRRRGH! JUNK MAAAAAAIL!" Kenshin smiled into the phone.

"Mission accomplished, Pizza-sama."

A/N: I know, it's taken me forever to update. I'm very sorry! But here it is, chapter number four. It wasn't nearly as good as the rest and it was super short… but… what can I say?

Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Also, thanks to all the readers! I hope to contuinue this fic… but… who knows how long it will take me to update again…


	5. The Date

**The Date**

**A/N: Wow… this has got to be the fastest update in a really long time… well, here it is! Chapter 5! (I can't believe I've continued this fic even more…) Beware… OOCness galore!**

* * *

Saito stared across the cafeteria at his (oh my gosh… am I really writing this…?) **_CRUSH_**. A forkful of gray mac-n-cheese fell with a splat to his plate. Okita gave him a strange glance.

"What're you looking at?"

"Shhh…" Saito hushed his friend as he stared at the young girl in the lunch line. Okita followed his gaze and found its target—Sophomore hottie, Tokio Takagi. Okita's mouth spread into a mischievous smile.

"You… you _liiiiike_ her, don't you?" Okita asked. Saito snapped out of his Tokio-obsessing funk.

"No," Saito said plainly. "I do not _liiiiike _her." There was a minute of silence. "Well… she's… kinda… _attractive_…" He stared for a minute longer.

"You should ask her out." Saito just about hit the ceiling with a squeal (Wow… how frightening…). Okita grinned. "Come _on_! You'll never know unless you ask."

"I'll wait," Saito said, a slightly pink hue crawling across his face. It was then that Tokio walked toward their table with two other girls, giggling.

"You haven't asked Himura-san yet?" Tokio asked one of the other girls. Saito recognized her as Kaoru Kamiya, a freshman. They whispered a few other things Saito couldn't hear.

"I can't," Kaoru replied as they sat down at a table close to Saito's. "He just broke up with Tomoe a week ago! I'm sure he's still devastated." Tokio thought a moment. Saito strained his ears to hear the rest of their conversation.

"I know! We can make it a group effort! Misao here can ask Aoshi, and Megumi will talk to that idiot, Sano, who's so obviously into her!" Tokio said. Misao nodded in agreement. Kaoru sighed.

"Well… who would you go with? And where are we going!" Kaoru asked, showing slight, but skeptical, interest. It was then that Saito stopped listening. Okita glanced at his scheming friend.

"What are you scheming?" Okita asked through a mouthful of mac-n-cheese.

"I've gotta get her to ask me," Saito said, thinking hard. Okita smiled.

"You should ask her," Okita said. For once, Saito listened to his friend's weird idea. "Trust me, it'll work."

* * *

Saito leaned casually against his locker, heart pounding. He watched as Tokio stopped at her locker, dumping two books in and taking out another. She closed the locker and gathered her things. Saito passed a quick glance at Okita, who was sitting behind a trashcan, and slowly approached her. She looked up. 

"Uh… hi," she said before he could say anything.

"Hi," he said, trying desperately to keep his sweat glands in check. He could hear Okita giggling from behind the trashcan. He made a mental note to kill the boy after this little task was done. He swallowed hard and opened his mouth to say something.

"Hey, me and a group of friends are going to the movies on Saturday," Tokio stated. "You wanna come?" Okita's giggles stopped suddenly. Saito's brain stopped suddenly as well.

"Uh… sure!" Saito said, trying to stay calm. "I'll have to check my schedule, but…" Tokio grinned, adjusting her grip on the books in her arms.

"Good. We're meeting in the mall at 6:30," Tokio said. "You'll see us there." Saito nodded, in a daze. Tokio gave another small smile.

"Okay, see you," Saito said, his tongue falling limp after the last word. He hoped she didn't ask any more questions.

"Later," Tokio said, brushing past him. As soon as she was out of earshot, Saito just about melted into his shoes. Okita jumped out from behind the trashcan, crashing into a random senior that just happened to be walking by. He muttered an apology and dashed over to Saito.

"You did it!" Okita said, grinning. Saito turned to him.

"I didn't," he said. "_She_ asked_ me_." Okita gave him a confused look.

"Don't stretch the truth," Okita said, patting his shoulder. "No one will believe that." Saito stared at his friend. Didn't he just hear the whole thing! It was then that Saito spotted the "Rurouni Kenshin" manga in Okita's hand and knew that Okita hadn't been paying attention.

"Right," Saito said. "No stretching the truth."

* * *

Saito walked coolly into the mall, looking around for Tokio and her 'group of friends.' As he scanned the mall, he spotted a kid with bright red hair, tied up in a ponytail. 

"Hnn… it's Himura," Saito muttered, walking over to the redhead. As he approached Kenshin, he noticed that Kaoru was there, too. He realized that this was Tokio's 'group of friends' that she had been talking about. He slumped for a moment, but straightened as soon as he saw Tokio chatting with Megumi about… something. Meh, who cared? He meandered up to them, trying not to look eager.

"Hey, Saito-san!" Tokio called, waving him over. He slowly approached Tokio.

"Hey," he replied. Tokio quickly introduced him to the others (Kenshin gave a little smirk) and brought them over to a shop that was near the theater.

"Okay, everyone! We'll have dinner, and then we'll go to the 7:30 movie!" Tokio announced. Everyone nodded his or her approval. They headed toward the eating facility nearby. And… to Saito's horror…

(I'm sure you all can guess)

… it was a pizza parlor. And not just a _random_ pizza parlor, it was the _same_ pizza parlor that had caused him all his grief for the past few weeks. He froze.

"Uh… Tokio?" Saito asked, trying to get her attention. She turned to him.

"Yes?"

"Uh…" then the thought struck him that if he told her about his pizzaphobia, she'd think he was cracked. "You look great." He gave a Goro Fujita smile (He wondered who the heck Goro Fujita was).

"Thanks, you're sweet," Tokio grinned as they followed the others into the pizza torture chamber. They stepped up to the counter. After contemplating which pizza to get, (Saito decided on sausage: it was the only kind he hadn't eaten too much of) the group stepped up to the register to order.

"I'd like Hawaiian," Misao said. Aoshi decided to just have a Coke, since he'd already eaten. Kaoru and Kenshin had a slice of pepperoni each, and they decided on sharing a milkshake (oooh…). Megumi and Sano bothhad the bacon, pepperoni, and sausage combo. Tokio ordered a plain cheese. Then, Saito stepped up to the register. And nearly fell to the floor in shock and dismay. It was the SAME pizza delivery man who had stalked him so many weeks before, sporting the SAME yellow and green hat, wearing the SAME green polo shirt with the SAME logo on the shirt pocket, wearing the SAME striped green and yellow pants, and the SAME dorky smile plastered on his face.

"hhhhhhHHHHEEEEeeeeeLLLLLOOOooo, sir!" he said. "MmmmMMAAAAAYYyyy I taAAAaaake yourRRrr oOOOOoorder?" Saito couldn't take it. He grabbed the man by the collar.

"You've got to be the most annoying person in the world!" Saito snarled in his face. "You and your stupid Pizza-sama, and your stupid shirt and logo and hat and pants and dorky smile, and the way you change tone every second! You and your stupid pizza zombies and your stupid shoot the pizza pop-ups and your stupid spam and junk mail, and I DON'T CARE IF THEY'RE THE SAME THING!" He stopped for a breath. The man's lip quivered as the silence weighed down on them.

"Pizza-sama…" he squeaked. Saito dropped him and turned to the group behind him. Tokio was staring, holding the plate of pizza in front of her, Aoshi was as icy as ever, sipping his Coke (but he was actually very terrified), Misao was trying not to stare, Sano was frozen, his pizza halfway to his mouth, Megumi was trying not to spit out the pizza in her mouth, Kaoru was cowering behind Kenshin, and… Kenshin was continuing on like nothing had happened.

"Sa…Sa…Saito-san?" Tokio asked carefully. Saito gave a groan. Well… that was it for her. She'd never like him _now_. By now, the pizza man had recovered.

"M-May I take your order?"

**

* * *

**

**A/N: Well? You like? I'd like to thank all of my reviewers: **

Cleo: Okay… I won't answer, then.

GreenEyedFloozy: Nah… Kenshin isn't evil! He's just Saito's greatest enemy!

Saitou Ryuuji: Huh… gets him back… maybe in later chapters (if I continue) but at this point, Kenshin'll just get away with it.

AnimeRoX aka Alyssa: Thank you. I'm not so sure this one was as good, but I hope you like it anyway!

Burnt Up Old Sausage: Thanks for reading! I'm glad youl liked it!

Komo Pinconeseed: I'm not a -sama, but thank you for thinking so. Popups... heh... Oh, did I confuse you?

**And those of you who read but didn't review!**


	6. The Movie Wrath of Pizza Sama!

The Movie 

**A/N: Whoa! The insanity is back! More OOC and… um… VERY disturbing images ahead. Beware. Don't say i didn't warn you...**

**I don't own RK… obviously. If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfics about it: I'd be creating it!**

* * *

The rest of the pizza dinner went by in a blur. Saito was given his slice of pizza and they all finished in silence. Then, the group headed to the movie theater. They got in line for tickets. 

"What movie are we seeing?" Kaoru asked Kenshin. He pointed to a poster off to their right. _Trust and Betrayal_, it read.

"It's about a murderer," Kenshin explained. "Who falls in love." Kaoru blushed just thinking of the romantic possibilities.

They stepped up to the window. Kenshin purchased two tickets, one for himself and the other for Kaoru, who was beet red now. Sano and Megumi stepped up. They stood there for some time.

"Well?" Megumi asked. "Aren't you going to buy me a ticket?"

"…Uh… I thought you'd buy _me_ the ticket."

"Why the heck would I buy you a ticket! You're supposed to be a gentleman and buy ME a ticket!"

"…I'm BROKE!" There was an awkward silence. Megumi took out her wallet and paid for both of them.

"You owe me," she snapped as they walked inside. Aoshi and Misao walked up next. Aoshi bought two tickets and Misao grinned in delight. She jumped onto him in thanks. He just stood stonily and allowed himself to be dragged inside by the hyper girl.

Saito and Tokio stepped up. He was about to buy Tokio her ticket when she cut in front of him and bought it herself. He sweatdropped. She could sense his confusion and turned around.

"Don't worry," she said. "I've got it." He hurriedly bought his own ticket and followed her inside. They stood on line yet again for snacks. Misao was pressing her nose against the glass where the candy was kept. She eyed the chocolates. Kaoru and Kenshin bought one large popcorn and one large drink to share. Megumi once again had to pay for Sano and Aoshi bought one box of each chocolate candy for Misao. Tokio simply bought a drink. Saito walked up to the counter…

And felt like banging his head against it.

There was that SAME pizza delivery man who had stalked him so many weeks before, sporting the SAME yellow and green hat, wearing the SAME green polo shirt with the SAME logo on the shirt pocket, wearing the SAME striped green and yellow pants, and the SAME dorky smile plastered on his face.

"WHY ARE YOU HERE!" Saito yelled. Tokio was already following the others, so he felt it was okay to yell.

"…Do I know you, sir?" the man asked.

"YES!"

"Um… I don't think I do," he said.

"DO YOU WORK AT THE PIZZA PARLOR!" Saito asked, pointing a finger out the doors. The man shook his head slowly.

"Uh… no? I work HERE," he said. Saito glared at him. Surveyed his green polo shirt with the logo.

"…THEN WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT LOGO!" Saito cried. The man looked down. He laughed.

"Ohhhh, this," he said. "My brother works there."

"…Your brother…" Saito huffed.

"Yeah, my twin brother," the man said, grinning. "I'll tell him you said hi." Saito slammed his fist into the counter (dent!) and hurried off after the group without buying anything.

They walked into the dimly lit theater, which happened to be very full. There weren't enough seats in a row for them to take. The couples decided to break off and meet up again outside after the movie. Misao dragged Aoshi toward the front (get a good seat!) while Sano and Megumi took the first seats they saw. Kenshin and Kaoru hurried to the back (no one will see us here!) leaving Saito and Tokio alone.

"Uhh… how about going over there?" Saito asked, spotting three empty seats in a row. Tokio smiled politely.

"Alright," she agreed. They sat down. The movie began. Well, actually, there were quite a few corny previews before, but basically the movie started. Saito stole a glance at Tokio. He had to admit, she was really beautiful…

The person in front of them looked familiar.

"OKITA!" Saito whispered. Tokio didn't notice (the movie was just starting and she didn't want to miss the beginning!). Okita turned around.

"…Oh, hi," he said waaaay too casually.

"…You… followed… us."

"No, I didn't, silly!" Okita grinned. "I've always wanted to see this one!" Saito sighed, nodding resignedly. He sat back in his seat and watched as the murderer killed off one of the government officials. It was a war.

Saito watched the movie, letting it take him far far away from his problems. But that didn't last long. Suddenly, the unmistakable smell of pizza wafted into his nose. He perked, looking around as conspicuously as he could. And there it was. The LARGE pizza… IT WAS PIZZA-SAMA! It was balancing on a flat piece of crust and making its way…

NOOOO! Saito thought in anguish as the pizza sat down in the empty seat next to him. It seemed to sag over the armrests right into Saito's lap. He felt like screaming, but for Tokio's sake, he didn't.

Just then, Saito noticed another figure making his way up the aisle. It was the dreaded pizza man. Saito focused his attention on the screen.

_Just focus, stupid,_ Saito thought. _FOCUS! _He watched the screen intently as the murderer met up with his future love. It was raining blood… no wait…

_IT'S RAINING TOMATO SAUCE!_ Saito yelled in panic. Well, he kept that inside, but he _felt_ like screaming it. The girl fell forward into the murderer's arms. He picked her up.

"She smells like—" the murderer noted some perfume, but in Saito's mind, he said, "grated cheese." Saito clenched his fists and gritted his teeth. He could DO this. He could focus…

The murderer was battling again, but this time, he was cutting down thousands of pizzas. THOUSANDS. Maybe even millions. Saito didn't know. But with every slash of the sword, gallons of tomato sauce, bits of grated cheese, shreds of toppings, and chunks of crust flew down onto the ground. The murderer was killing them without mercy. And then eating the slices he'd made. Oh man…

"Don't you love this, Pizza-sama?" the pizza man asked, snuggling against the huge pizza. Saito felt the warm cheese melting onto his pants. Oh joy. The pizza gave a small gurgling noise and sank further into the seat. The crust bulged over into Saito's lap some more. A blob of sauce dropped onto his shoulder. Saito looked over at Tokio…

He could have screamed at that moment from sheer terror.

TOKIO WAS MAKING OUT WITH A PIZZA! Saito practically fell from his seat. He looked down at Okita—Okita would help him… right? No, Okita couldn't help him. Okita was laying in a pizza's murderous arms… er… crust, dead.

Saito looked over in horror at the pizza man who was grinning evilly over at him.

"This is the WRATH OF PIZZA-SAMA!" he cackled proudly. Saito looked up at the rest of the audience. Didn't they think this was a bit… WEIRD?

"Pizza, pizza, it's really really great! We'll make you eat it at an alarming rate! Eating pizza is the best! Come on by and put your stomach to the test!" the audience chanted with the murderer in the movie. Saito took this moment to scream.

"SHHH!" Tokio said, slapping a hand over his mouth. He looked at her. She wasn't making out with a pizza. She was… sitting there. He looked at Okita, who was staring back at him, completely alive. He glanced at the empty seat next to him. No Pizza-sama or annoying pizza man. He gazed up at the annoyed audience, who were not zombies and were just trying to enjoy their movie. He sat back in his seat.

The end of the movie came quickly, the murderer tragically killing his love while trying to save her. They walked out of the theater and waited outside the door for the others. Saito glanced down at Tokio, who hadn't said a word since his outburst. The others walked out, spotting Saito and Tokio.

"What now?" Kenshin asked, giving Saito a glare.

"…I think I'll just go home," Tokio said, smiling. Saito could tell it wasn't her true smile. She walked off, out of the theater, out of his life.

"Come on, Kenshin," Kaoru said, taking his arm. "Lets go." The others agreed and split up as couples, leaving Saito alone. Okita walked out.

"Um… hi?"

* * *

**A/N: No, no, don't be sad! Do you really think I'd heartbreak Saito forever! **

Komo Pineconeseed: Ahhh I tried to update soon… this was like a word a day! Thanks for reading! I'm glad you like it!

Burnt Up Old Sausage: Haha, thanks a lot! I hope this is just as funny as the last one (to me it's a bit creepier…). I'll try to keep writing more!

Me: Now she really won't like him! Don't worry, everything will be… okay in the end!

Saitouu Ryuuji: That's a good idea! Have Saito read the manga… Hopefully this chapter was just as funny (if not funnier) than the last. Thanks for reading!

GreenEyedFloozy: Its looking pretty bad for him, ain't it?

Delta-chan: Yeahhh popups can ruin your life! Good thing we have Saito to set an example—we can learn from his experiences and not have to suffer ourselves! I'm glad I gave you a laugh!

StarShipDelta & SpaceRoses & Holly-chan: I'm glad its entertaining! I suppose the movie was about pizza (even though it was really just him hallucinating or something). It looks like its Saito: 0 Pizza-sama: 5

Misaoshiru: Yes! And it's back a second time! Its alright that you're not much of a Saito fan. Feel sorry for him? Nah… its not that bad… (Personally, I feel sorry for him… apologizes to Saito)

Cleo: Yeahhh… Saito's life is REALLY complicated. Thanks for reading!

**And thanks to all who read but did not review! **


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